I too talk to friends and colleagues who say the same as you have said in your post and they say the same thing as you have experienced too. I tell you that in the hope that you don't think that you're feeling the way you do because you are young or alone in the loss you feel. I hope I have that right. I am 46, double your age but I feel exactly the same way as you. He fought bravely for 2 and a half years. but you need to go through this time for that to happen. it wants to take away all the good memories. because cancer wants you to remember the pain it inflicts. not I'll or in pain, but all those years you had with him before cancer. you'll remember him as he'd want you to remember him. and when that bad memory is replaced with a smile. remember the funniest time you had with him. when you see those last memories, close your eyes. He's not gone, he's right there tucked up safely in your heart. then one day when you realise you didn't cry, that's o.k too. loosing someone we love is the worse pain ever. well those that hold feelings in, hurt the worse. we are a nation of people that think putting a brave face on things should be easy. Sometimes saying to your self it's o.k to cry every day, then that need will ease a bit.
and think if you stop crying then he's really gone. l think maybe like you said, in crying every day your keeping him as close as possible. that first year is like a wound that won't heal. it's been broken, and will take time to heal. Is anyone else in a similar situaition currently? Sorry for the rambling- but sometimes I just feel a bit of relief for typing out how Im feeling. I dont feel like I can put into words just how devestated I am but he truly was the only person I knew I could never live without. I just still cant believe hes gone and I'm left without him. I cry everyday for my Dad- and oddly I dont want that to stop because I dont ever want to accept that hes not here. I know and I've heard so many times that 'hes in a better place and that he wont be in any pain anymore' but all that does to me is reiterates that he was in pain and that towards the end he wasnt in a good place here. But I feel so much pain thinking that he was just putting on a brave face for me and my family.
He never changed the whole way through- was the same lovely, kind, funny man he always was. I was there through everything, holding his hand right 'till the end, but now I look back with such panic at what he went through. Im 23, and cant bare the idea of having my whole life without him.
Its been five months and it some respect its been the longest five months ever, but it also feels as though its flown by. I still cant seem to get my head around the fact I wont see him again.Įveryone says you will get used to a new normal, but not having my dad here will ever be normal. Of course, I miss him more than I could ever try to explain. I feel as though my heart breaks everyday and im constantly so sad. I literally never stop thinking of him, and Im so sad thinking hes not here anymore. My Dad passed away back in October 2018 and everyday it feels as raw as the day he died. I've posted on this site a few times- but havent been online for at least two months.
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